The Rules of the Kitchen
It isn’t always about weed. (Well, yes. Here it is.) But you also have to know your way around a kitchen.
The kitchen is a workshop that uses food instead of wood or metals. It is always a good idea to conduct yourself like you’re in a machine shop or garage – screw around and there are lots of things that can hurt you. So I came up with a series of rules to help people remember how to behave around sharp, pokey things, boiling oil, and open flame.
The Rules of the Kitchen
* Knives are sharp
* Stoves are hot
* People are dumb
Rule No. 1 – Knives are sharp
At least they should be. A sharp knife is a safe knife. Why? Because a sharp knife lends itself to proper technique. One does not chop by banging the edge like a hammer. You slice. You let the knife do the work. Your hands are there to guide the blade. You don’t push it, you don’t force it, and you don’t let it get dull. If you do, the knife will slip and you will cut and/or stab yourself. You will bleed and likely require stitches and worse, you will have ruined dinner. Putz! Keep your knife sharp!
Rule No. 2 – Stoves are hot
In many (most?) working kitchens, the stoves are always on. Baking, roasting, braising, sauteing, frying – the first step in every one of those techniques is preheating your stove. Now here’s the rub – even if you don’t see flames or your burners are not glowing red, ESPECIALLY at home where you can’t tell, always ALWAYS assume your stove is hot. Don’t lean on it, don’t sit on it, don’t put anything on or in it unless you want it to burn.
Rule No. 3 – People are dumb
Dumb is a strong word. I’d like to think people are not born evil, but after my time in the industry I can conclude if you dial-down your expectations you will never be disappointed. It’s best to divest yourself of any ownership and let yourself be amused by such errant behaviour as:
Ignoring the first two Rules. – The knife was dull and you got cut. The stove was hot and you got burned. The floor was slippery and you ran and fell. I, I…I can’t help you.
Asking for substitutions – No, the menu was designed this way for a reason. YOU came to ME. If you want to cook, stay home.
Zero situational awareness – There’s a reason we say ‘behind,’ ‘corner,’ ‘sharp.’ ‘hot.’ Because they are those things. Simple, short, sharp little words that carry entire conversations.
Comps and freebies – You’re rich? Good. You can afford to eat here. I’m not taking it in the pocketbook just because you’re my friend or you have notoriety.
Being mean to restaurant staff. – Don’t be a jerk. Shush! Just, no.
Theft – If it’s not nailed down, counted, or regulated (even if it is those things), it will go walking.
Annnd we’ll stop there.
Those are the Big 3. But there are a few other things to keep in mind too. Not rules so much as best practices. These include:
Taste everything
My former mentor Chef Jesse Chambers always said we eat first with our eyes, but we refine our skills by tasting everything. (Okay, not everything. I don’t advocate licking raw chicken ice cream or noshing pork slushies. That’s dumb.) When we cook we engage all our senses but sight, taste, followed closely by smell, rule. You can not tell if something is seasoned without taste, can not judge the consistency of a sauce, the bitterness of chocolate, the texture of bechamel, or what choice of wines and whiskeys will balance a meal.
Clean as you go
I have Earl’s to thank for this. Reduced to the acronym CAYG it was Part 2 of Restaurant gospel (Part 1 being fresh food stripped of ornamentation). It means owning and finishing what you start – if you make a mess, clean it up right then and there. If you do your dishes and wipe your counters as you go along, there is precious little to do at the end except sweep and mop.
Have fun
Also an Earl’s lesson. This is hospitality. It’s the reason we’re here. That, and we’re hungry.
The things that are necessary can be the sources of great joy. The pleasures of the table are some of the greatest in life, so enter the kitchen with a sense of anticipation and eagerness. Some of the best times of your life will happen in the kitchen. The best parties happen in the kitchen. Enemies become friends, family is reunited.
When you are fed, the world is just a better place.
Life is better lifted, so why not make yours a feast?
Bud
Cooking With Cannabis 